New research studies from the Institute for Corpse Industrialization indicates that promoting the dead is optimal for workplace loyalty and tenure. John Doe, Director of Research at the ICI reports, “Through careful research, we have discovered that dead employees have the lowest turnover rate of all employees. Results suggest that this is due to their ‘turning over’ prior to employment.” These illuminating findings bode well for businesses that have struggled with retaining top talent.
Key Benefits of Hiring the Deceased
The study highlights several advantages to employing dead people, including:
- 100% On-Site Employment
- Extended Work Hours Without Overtime Pay
- Highly Compliant Behavior
- A Quiet Work Environment
Loyal to the End
ICI’s findings suggest that living employees vacate their positions steadily year-over-year, while dead employees flatline at 0%:
Doe, J. (2024). An analysis of the costs and benefits of employing non-living personnel. Journal of Corpse Industrialization. 2(5), 333-345.
The Future of DEIA Initiatives?
While unconventional, the ICI’s research opens up new possibilities for recruiting and retaining top talent that aligns with Diversity, Equity, Inclusion and Accessibility mandates.
