Groundbreaking new research from the Institute for Corpse Industrialization (ICI) confirms what HR experts and DEI advocates have long suspected: hiring this minority is the ultimate employee retention strategy.
John Doe, Director of Research and Formerly Living Person at ICI, proudly announced, “Our studies show that deceased employees boast the lowest turnover rate in recorded history—primarily because they already ‘turned over’ prior to employment.”
This revelation is a beacon of hope for companies struggling with workplace retention. While living employees demand raises, benefits, and the occasional time off to “see their families,” corpses remain steadfast, loyal, and blissfully unaware of company policies. Other benefits include lower healthcare expenses, zero HR complaints, and a consistently quiet work environment.
Ida Sprout, Chief Communications Officer at Piehole Groceries, credits their company’s unparalleled success to their top-performing non-living employee. When Piehole’s largest produce supplier threatened to go belly-up, their star corpse literally dug deep and bought the farm. “That level of commitment is rare among the living,” Sprout noted while enthusiastically high-fiving the skeleton.
The ICI is now working with lawmakers to implement post-mortem hiring incentives, ensuring that the best and brightest (and grayest and stiffest) continue to drive workplace productivity from beyond the grave.
New Research on Corpse Employment Trends:
Doe, J. (2025). An analysis of the costs and benefits of employing non-living personnel. Journal of Corpse Industrialization. 2(5), 333–345.
Comments
Really good one!
A great way for employees retention 😂