Intern Accidentally Becomes Senior Executive After Muttering “That Seems Inefficient”

Chaos erupted at Caldera Systems last Wednesday after intern Jake Reynolds was mistakenly promoted to Senior Vice President of Operational Excellence for casually muttering, “Hey, that seems inefficient,” within earshot of the COO.

Witnesses say Jake was simply trying to figure out how to request a stapler when he discovered a 19-step form titled “Stapler Access Workflow Optimization Intake Form.” After his comment, the COO reportedly froze, whispered “he’s a visionary,” and immediately offered him a corner office.

Within hours, Jake’s desk was transformed into a cross between a command center and a hostage negotiation room. Executives gathered around him, begging for insights such as “Should we move this spreadsheet to the cloud?” and “What is the cloud?”

Jake’s primary qualification appears to be that he uses keyboard shortcuts. This alone elevated him beyond 80% of middle management.

Jake has already made waves by suggesting the company replace its weekly 90-minute all-hands with “not doing that.” Productivity instantly increased by 400%.

He is expected to be CEO by February.