The Rise of the Triple-Threat Job Title

In an innovative attempt to “maximize lean efficiency,” tech startup PrismLogic Interactive has unveiled its newest hybrid position: Chief Financial-Marketing-Janitorial Strategist—the company’s latest open role requiring three unrelated degrees, Olympic-level stamina, and absolutely zero additional pay. Qualified candidates will hold a CPA designation and Adobe Creative Suite certification.

The job description outlines core responsibilities such as:

• Managing cashflow
• Overseeing brand strategy
• Replacing ceiling tiles
• Operating a floor buffer at race-car speeds
• Being available nights and weekends “as needed” (i.e. constantly)

Compensation is labeled “competitive,” widely understood to mean uncompetitive but with volunteer opportunities that offer a free T-shirt. Benefits include unlimited access to a broken espresso machine, plus the prestige of saying you work at a startup without ever knowing what the startup actually does.

At a press conference, PrismLogic’s CEO declared, “Today’s market demands agile, multifunctional leaders.” When asked why the company won’t hire three people instead of one, he stated, “Efficiency,” while delicately sidestepping a leaking mop bucket that the new Chief Financial-Marketing-Jantorial Strategist will be expected to resolve by Q3.

Applications will remain open until someone desperate, ambitious, or hopelessly optimistic clicks “Apply Now.”