In its latest attempt to “optimize synergy,” LoyaLab Holdings has unveiled a new Town Hall format so efficient it must be heaven-sent.
“We noticed the same employees kept asking vague, performative questions,” explained CEO Chandler Tomes, wearing a headset mic and an expression of divine detachment. “That’s when it hit me—they weren’t seeking answers. They were seeking me.”
To address this epidemic of corporate longing, LoyaLab scrapped the Q&A. Instead, hand-selected employees are summoned on-stage for a sacred rite known internally as “The Baptism of Visibility.”
One by one, employees kneel on a yoga mat bearing the company logo as Tomes sprinkles them with stale coffee and blesses their foreheads with a ladle of Blue Raspberry Kool-Aid. “You are seen. You are valued. Now go hit your KPIs,” he intones, eyes moist with shareholder-approved sentiment.
The ceremony has reduced Town Hall meetings from three hours to 42 minutes and replaced post-meeting burnout with a smug euphoria.
“It’s beautiful,” sobbed marketing associate Lexi Trundle, adjusting the dripping L on her brow. “I used to feel invisible. Now I’m spiritually hydrated and 7% more productive.”
LoyaLab has already begun to explore expansion into full-immersion weekend retreats.
Comments
Good one😂.
Useless diversion from the top! Typical corporate B.S.