Sick Days Now Require Death Certificate—Toe Tag Optional

Exacerbated by the number of employees calling in sick for work, Linda Gallagher, VP of Workforce Integrity at online retail giant, Amazilla, has made some recent changes to the company’s absenteeism policy. All Amazilla staff must now provide their own death certificates to validate the use of sick days.

When asked why these measures were being implemented, Gallagher explained, “Upon investigation of employees’ social media accounts, we discovered that many were fraudulently calling in ‘sick!’ One employee reported having the flu while posting a picture of himself standing next to his daughter at her high school graduation. He appeared to be in excellent health. Another employee who ‘fell ill’ was later seen cradling her newborn grandson in the hospital—glowing, smiling, and suspiciously not dead.

Gallagher concluded, “Death cannot be as easily falsified as an illness.” Since implementing the new employee absenteeism policy, we have yet to receive any death certificates from any of our employees. These results clearly show that our new policy is highly effective.”

The Wall Street Jackalope reached out to the Society of Post-Mortem Professionals for comment, but at the time of publication, had not received a response.