In a bold leap backward for capitalism, telecom giant FAFO has reimagined employee compensation by swapping earned commissions with the ultimate corporate reward: a mandatory boardroom pizza party.
This revolutionary move followed the national sales team’s catastrophic success, smashing a deliberately impossible quarterly goal by 17%. FAFO leadership labeled the results “both impressive and deeply inconvenient.”
“We didn’t think they’d actually hit it,” admitted CEO Jessica Caldrop, later spotted Googling “can you fire employees for overperforming?” and “cheap alternatives to money.” And so, in a heroic act of fiscal preservation, FAFO launched its latest sales incentive: CompensEATion.
“We needed something that said ‘thank you,’ but also ‘you’re not getting paid,’ explained VP of Human Demoralization & Resources from the executive war room (a windowless conference room with a Keurig).
“In the old days, employees wasted commissions on luxuries like family vacations,” Caldrop added. “Now they can enjoy a lukewarm slice of corporate appreciation instead.”
FAFO is optimistic about extending its pizza party payroll into Q4, however, executives are considering a pivot to breadsticks due to a recent increase in cholesterol-related healthcare costs.
