On the heels of several recent acquisitions, international pharmaceutical leader, PharmaGeddon Scientific, announced yesterday that they would be reducing their workforce by way of musical chairs. The company is removing 52% of office seating, forcing employees into weekly elimination rounds dubbed “Musical Mondays.”
According to upper management, they unanimously agreed to deploy this fun and dynamic method for its ability to test agility, strategy, and willingness to throw elbows. HR describes it as “collaborative unbiased restructuring.” Employees describe it as “a cardio-intensive panic attack.”
The playlist features hits like “Should I Stay or Should I Go,” “Another One Bites the Dust,” and “Free Fallin’.” Employees left standing when the music stops are promptly escorted out—with a box, a handshake, and a free orthopedic donut pillow.
Early rounds revealed a troubling pattern: pregnant, injured, and slow-walking staff are consistently left standing. When asked about this, a spokesperson responded, “We value inclusivity. Everyone is equally eligible to be downsized.”
As alliances form and office chairs mysteriously lose bolts, one nervous intern summed it up best: when the music stops, so does your direct deposit.
Comments
Really cute!😂