Amidst soaring inflation and a bottom line spiraling down the drain, Tissue Titans Inc. has unveiled its boldest cost-cutting measure yet: toilet paper rationing.
CFO John Crapper declared that all employees are now limited to two squares per bathroom trip, to a maximum of four trips per day. Those eight precious squares are just enough to dab politely or create skid-mark modern art.
In a stunning display of corporate compassion, management will allow “special accommodations” for employees with certified medical conditions or abnormally large, furry posteriors. Extra squares may be requested with a doctor’s note or, in a pilot program, a tasteful butt selfie for HR’s review.
Naturally, a thriving black market has already flushed into existence. Reports confirm square-for-coffee bartering, roll-for-weekend “favors,” and a new “PoopCoin” emerging on the sanitation exchange.
“We see this less as a ‘shortage crisis’ and more as an ‘efficiency optimization opportunity,’” said Crapper, wiping away concerns that this initiative could lead to a disgruntled workforce.
For now, employees are advised to plan their daily bowel movements wisely or bring their own supply.
After all, at Tissue Titans, every square is shareholder value.
