In a bold leap for mankind and a backward somersault for work-life balance, online retail behemoth MegaloCorp has announced that all employees must relocate to the moon by Q3. According to an internal memo leaked by a staff member with nothing left to lose, the company believes “minions orbiting their managers boosts leadership optics by 86%.”
“Our new lunar HQ enables next-level innovation—like zero-gravity brainstorming and space synergies,” said Brad Vancaster, MegaloCorp’s Sr. Vision Alignment Officer (and part-time cosplayer). “We found that when middle managers didn’t see rows of underpaid humans typing frantically behind them, they started questioning their existence. It has become a serious mental health issue.” Vancaster denies the move is about ego, despite naming a crater “Brad’s Impact Zone” and replacing Earth-based water coolers with personal oxygen tubes labeled “breathe like a boss.”
Employees are expected to make the 238,855-mile journey at their own expense, with a $25 stipend toward rocket fuel. Housing will be available in the form of small stackable shipping crates, “upcycled for a cozy, eco-lux, co-living experience.” Relocation is non-optional, and those who refuse will be reassigned to the Martian warehouse beta test program, code-named “Project Oxygen Optional.”
“I joined the company for flexible remote work,” said data analyst Priya Gomez while duct-taping a router to her space helmet. “This feels more like Fyre Fest, but with less reliable Wi-Fi.”
Executives claim the move fosters a “culture of presence.” Critics say it fosters oxygen deprivation and an unhealthy obsession with control. HR declined to comment—sending only 🚀🌕💖.
