In a bold flex of corporate absurdity, Krunch Sports founder and “King of Basketball” confidant Mitch Pawl has promoted his six-year-old Shar Pei, Loopy, to Chief of Staff—proving once again that networking beats résumés, especially if you have a tail.
Loopy beat out a strong pool of candidates, including a Fortune 500 COO, a former CIA analyst, and a retired Olympian who was last seen muttering, “he doesn’t even wear pants.”
Asked to explain, Pawl said, “Loopy’s loyalty is unmatched. He’s been by my side through thick and thin. Sure, he gets a little too friendly occasionally, but HR’s got him on a peanut butter-based behavior plan.”
Loopy’s first official acts include replacing standing desks with nap pillows, implementing walk breaks every 90 minutes, and demanding all contracts be scent-tested. He also reportedly peed on at least two NDAs.
Despite initial concerns—mainly the unsolicited licking and mid-meeting howls—Loopy’s promotion is being called “bold,” “visionary,” and “possibly the result of untreated burnout.”
“Honestly, he’s the most engaged exec we’ve had,” said one staffer. “He wags when you walk in. That’s more feedback than we’ve ever gotten from Mitch.”
Insiders say Loopy may appoint a Labrador from accounting as Deputy Chief of Treats. Talks stalled after he ate the offer letter, but are expected to resume post-nap.
At press time, Loopy was unavailable for comment due to an ongoing standoff with the UPS delivery person.
Comments
I love dogs! Very cute.